Ritchie Charlton Waxes Lyrical

I had to publish Ritchie's superb e-mail, which relates to Olly's destruction of Tim Mitzman's bat in the game at Thaxted. A work of purest genius.

Dear all
Sung to the tune of The Streets "Dry your eyes mate..."

the ginger german, a firm man
batting in your position
the thing stunk to high heaven
to despair you were driven

veins poppin', muscles ripplin'
your bat he was weildin'
wot was to come we was guessin'
but you could see he weren't messin'

dry your eyes mate, staring at your toe end will just make things worse
you've got to walk away now, it's over

the buffet was open
assorted pastries were chucked
by this time we knew that your bat was f****d
someone said "don't mention the war"
boris, bristling, drove the next one for four

the kraut now feeling bold
was driving yorkers untold
defensive shots took divots
your bats life in the balance

dry your eyes mate, it's only a bit of salix caerulea
it's time to walk away now

it should be you, not him
your patience wearing thin
shackled to the bench
olie's thirst yet unquenched

your blood ran cold
as bully boy schwartzfold
enjoyed his feast
your bat now deceased

dry your eyes mate, there's plenty more bats left in the shop
it's time to walk away now

as you blubbered
boris uttered
"this is more fun than a poke in the cupboard"
by this time ross' bat was in the fray
yours by your side had had it's day

dry your eyes mate
200 pounds will buy you a pristine thunder hammer
walk away now
it's over

dry your eyes mate, thinking about your mjolnir will only make things worse
there's plenty more left in the shop

dry your eyes mate
if you think adolf will stump up the quids,
you've got another think comin'
walk away now
it's over